Driving. Most of us do it. Not all of us enjoy it. Sure, there are plenty of petrolheads out there that love nothing more than jumping in their ride and putting the pedal to the metal. But for many of us, driving a car is a bit of a slog. You do it just to get somewhere. It’s necessary. After all, who wants to get a bus, right…? And what’s the nemesis of the driver? The enemy of the car owner? That’s right, the traffic jam. There’s nothing worse than the sight of a snake made up of a thousand cars in front of you. You instantly know that you’re not getting home on time. But hopefully you’ve never encountered anything as awful as these terrible traffic fails. For these 15 will truly make you wish that cars were never invented.
Let’s kick things off with an absolute nightmare – the ultimate traffic horror. This is the kind of scene that haunts most driver’s dreams. To say this little lot is ‘carnage’ is an understatement. Not to mention a relatively decent pun. None of these people are getting where they want to go, are they? Or if they are – they won’t be getting there for some time. In fact, there’s a good chance these poor people are still stuck there now. Weeping, no doubt.
In life, it can often be hard to tell when’s exactly the right time to do something, can’t it? Do I change careers? Do I propose to my girlfriend? Chinese or Indian food? It can be tricky sometimes. It’s often quite good to just be told exactly what to do from time to time. Thank God for traffic lights then. ‘Stop’, ‘go’, ‘wait’. It’s simple. Three colors – three options. Nice and easy. Well, at least it should be. You know, theoretically. But that’s not accounting for the fails that seemed to thread throughout all our lives. DAMMIT!
Traffic jams are the worst. Sat around, gridlocked. You’re going nowhere. And nor is anyone else. They’re a pretty similar vision throughout the world. Sure Havana looks like a New York City traffic jam from 60 years ago, but everywhere else, it’s a pretty similar vision. Well, all except in Dubai. The capital of money, this emirate state is overflowing with supercars. A traffic jam there looks like a flash vehicle convention. We wish we owned an oil field…
We’ve already seen that traffic lights can be a major source of road-based fails, haven’t we? Mixed signals from them are the last thing we need. But the signal here is pretty clear. It’s not to ‘go’ or ‘stop’… It’s quite simply – ‘I’M ON FIRE!’ What are you supposed to do when you spot this? Are those flames red? Or are they more amber? It’s difficult to say. Proceed with caution, we say. Or drive quickly without looking – it’s up to you. We’re not your mom.
Look at the sheer size of this screen. It’s just ENORMOUS! And when you see see a sign this big, it just has to be important, right? There’s no way it can be there for anything other than telling us all something vital. So let’s read it, shall we? Mm-hhmm. Right. Okay… Yep. Oh dear. Whatever’s happened here, this must have been some time ago. After all, when was the last time you saw a computer error message requiring a CD-ROM?!
A traffic fail from Russia here. Now we don’t want to fall in the trap of being overly stereotypical here, alright? But it’s pretty tricky not to kind of assume that the driver of this truck carrying thousands of bottles of beers was drunk. And not just because of what he was transporting. It’s mostly due to how he’s crashed and shed his load. Okay, okay – and also a little bit because of how we think that most Russian people are constantly drunk on vodka. Our bad.
This traffic jam here doesn’t look too bad, really. Does it? The distance between the cars makes us think that, while the speed is low – at least there’s movement. But hold on… What’s this??? Why is that little car facing that way? And, more to the point, how is it facing that way?! Ah well, maybe it’s a new fashion. A trend for driving backwards down freeways. Being stuck in traffic’s pretty boring. Why not spice things up with a little reversing down the road, huh?
We’d go so far as to suggest that this set of traffic lights is giving out mixed messages to drivers. Depending on which angle you’re looking at any one of the 600 lights kind of dictates what you should do. Go, stop, wait… Who knows? If we saw this monstrosity on the road, we’d probably pack in driving altogether and just get out and abandon our cars. Maybe trains and buses are the future, after all…
Sometimes, when you’re stuck in traffic, you just wish you could drive over all the other cars, don’t you? Like you’re a massive great big monster truck with mammoth wheels. Well, this Nissan 4×4 is no monster truck, but it’s big enough to have maybe convinced its driver that it’s worth a go. The first car, though? Directly in front – a police car. So the lesson? Just settle down and be patient. There’s a good driver…
Do you know what the number one cause for motoring pile-ups is across the world? Yep, you guessed it – ducks. They’re so annoying, aren’t they? You’re trying to drive your little scooter to work, when all of a sudden a huge flock of ducks flies down and blocks your way. You’re going nowhere until these 9,000 ducks hurry up and get out of the way. Tsk. Every day this seems to happen. It’s so aggravating, isn’t it?!
Of course, it’s not always ducks that hold you up on the roads. There are other animals that are happy to interrupt your drive to work, you know. Like pandas. That’s right. Pandas. The reason you hear all those stories about pandas at the zoo not being interested in procreating is becuse they’re too tired. They’re wiped out after a day’s rampaging and holding up traffic. And practicing their Kung-Fu, obviously.
Now, most of us are boring old landlubbers, aren’t we? We’re not used to the ways of the salty seadog. We live on solid ground and regard the waves as an almost foreign land. But we’re not so different, really. Maybe we should try a little harder with sailors. Integrate a little more with them. And not laugh at their beards and stories about giant squids. And when we see a boat trying to sail down a road? Applaud it and not complain about the traffic it’s causing.
Dodge ’ems, bumper cars, call them what you will. But there’s only one place you should be finding them and that’s the fun fair. These crazy little electrically-run vehicles are for getting in and smashing into other people in. They’re not for going off-piste and attempting to drive down the road in. Although how this ‘driver’ managed to get this far before getting picked up by the police is anyone’s guess. It’s almost quite impressive. We’ve no idea how he managed to dodge ’em for so long.
Damn. Okay, maybe we take all that back about accepting sailors on land. They can’t be trusted. Just look what happens. You try and be nice and suggest they sail their ships on our roads and soon? THIS. Boat traffic. Typical. This kind of approach might work where there’s hundreds of thousands of square miles to wander into. But on land? This will never do…
Animals and the sea. Two things that we’ve seen can put an instant halt to our driving experience. So it’s no surprise that last year in London saw a giant octopus make London traffic come to a complete standstill for almost an entire day. Admittedly, the octopus was made of fibreglass, but still. It’s no coincidence, is it? WARNING: GIANT FIBREGLASS OCTOPUS ON RAMPAGE!